


Written in the Scars On Our Hearts

by Eternal Scribe (Shadowcat)



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bilbo Is Owed Many Debts, Dwarven Ones | Soulmates, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-03-17 06:56:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13653807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcat/pseuds/Eternal%20Scribe
Summary: Twenty-one years ago he was broken with grief by finding out that his One, the dwarf that was his everything had not survived the final battle for Erebor.Now, a faded letter found in an old journal has knocked his stability out from under him and the lion-hearted king of Erebor is riding to reunite with his midnight raven. His raven who has his own demons to deal with.





	1. When The Storm Clears And The Moon Appears

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the WinterFRE2018 by GatheringFiKi on tumblr.
> 
> Prompt 9. Letter found in an old notebook AU

It was two weeks after Thorin’s funeral and one week after his own coronation that his world was knocked asunder yet one more time.

Balin approached him, looking for all the world that he had seen some kind of shade or ghost. In his hands, he held a worn, leather-bound journal that Fili knew quite well. In the last few years of his life, Thorin was never without that journal and he wrote in it every day.

Balin opened the cover of the journal and took out a faded piece of paper that was folded over three times. A letter of some kind, then.

“I didn’t know, lad. I swear by Mahal’s beard that I did not know.”

Fili felt dread forming in his stomach as he took the letter from Balin. He barely heard when other members of their company that served on his council left their spots and came closer.

He opened the letter and after the first few lines, he had to drop down into his chair, his entire body shaking.

“It’s… it’s from Bilbo,” he managed to force the words out.

He knew that his friends and family were waiting for more, but he had to read the letter all the way through first. He had to try and make sense of the words on the page.

 

_**Thorin,** _

_Since you have remained silent and shown quite a degree of rudeness in not responding or giving counsel in what I should do, this will be the last message I send you and I will take care of your nephew in whatever way I deem the best for him. Kili does not deserve this silence from you and I can only pray to Eru that Fili has not been told about Kili and that is the only reason that he has not come for his brother._

_If Kili ever regains his memory during his waking hours, it is what I shall tell him, at any rate._

_The wounds to your poor nephew’s chest are slowly healing, at least they appear to be. We still do not dare to move him as we do not want to risk opening up the stitches. Gandalf says that it was quite a miracle that Kili even survived, much less made it all the way to the shire._

_The few times he has woken up, he seems to have no memory of the battle or of what happened. His dreams, on the other hand, are hard to hear. He cries in the night for his brother and for you, but when he wakes, there is no mention of the shades that haunt his dreams. He thinks you are dead, Thorin! He thinks that Fili is dead! Gandalf believes that the reason he does not remember anyone or the battle is that of the trauma of the battle and of believing everyone to be dead. The only reason he remembers me is that I was not near him in the battle._

_In fact, the clearest memory he has of me seems to be feeding him when he first arrived at Bag End that first night so long ago._

_I do not understand why you do not come and I find that I no longer care. As you have done nothing no matter how many times I have pleaded for your help you stubborn, bitter ass of a dwarf, I will, therefore, take Kili as to be my responsibility and my family._

_Gandalf and I will be taking Kili to Rivendell and there asking for the help of Lord Elrond and Lady Galadriel in healing Kili._

_He deserves none of your anger or inaction, Thorin Oakenshield and I only hope your Mahal and FILI forgive you for this._

_~_ **Regretfully,  
** **Bilbo Baggins**  
**Bag End**

 

Fili choked out a sob and felt someone take the letter away from him as he curled his shaking hands into fists. Distantly, he heard someone reading the letter to the rest of their company. He heard curses and expressions of dismay as the letter revealed knowledge that none of them had known.

“This letter is from twenty years ago,” he heard Bofur cry out in anger. “How could Thorin have kept this from us for twenty years?”

That was something that Fili dearly wanted to know.

Even if it wasn’t about Kili, Thorin said even years later that Bilbo was part of the company and if he ever asked for aid they were to give it to him no questions asked. The words that he had sworn to both at Thorin’s deathbed and in his own coronation had that codicil entered. All dwarves owed Bilbo Baggins and any of his descendants a debt and they would never forget that.

So why? Why when Bilbo wrote to Thorin asking for help not for him but for _Kili_ had Thorin been silent?

_Kili_ who had been Fili’s brother and his other half.

_Kili_ who Fili had mourned ever since he woke up from the battle twenty-one years ago and was told that Kili had fallen.

_Kili_ how had been Fili’s _everything_.

How could his uncle have done that to him?

Fili lifted shaking hands to cover his face as he fought not to give in to the desire to both roar in anger and scream in pain.

He had no doubt that Kili must never have regained his memory or had finally perished as if his brother had remembered anything, he would have come to Erebor to find him -- or at least demand why he had been abandoned.

What if his brother did believe he had been abandoned? He had no doubt that Bilbo would have told Kili the truth. Their Hobbit had never been untruthful with them even when it earned Thorin’s madness-induced ire.

Bilbo would know that Fili would never have abandoned Kili if he had known his brother was still alive. He would have known that the rest of the Company would not have, either.

So that meant Kili either still did not remember any of them or… or he had perished.

No, he didn’t believe that. If he had died, then Bilbo would have made sure they all knew - stubbornness of Thorin or not. Bilbo would probably have brought the news himself, determined that someone besides Thorin knew the truth of what had happened.

“Fili, lad?” Dwalin’s rough voice sounded near. “What are your orders?”

Fili dropped his hands. Dwalin was right. He gave the orders now.

“We outfit the ponies and make a trip to the Shire,” Fili said firmly. “And don’t give me any crap about not going because I am the king. This is something that should have been taken care of by our previous King… and Kili needs me.”

Not one of the dwarves around him argued and he nodded. “I need at least Balin and Bombur to stay here to take care of Erebor in my absence. I won’t demand anyone come with me or anyone stay, but I am going to find out about the truth that Thorin hid.” He swallowed and then hardened his tone. “Something you all should know, however. Kili is my One. I knew this before the Battle and before I thought he was dead. If you do not approve, then we will have to deal with that, as well.”

“It was probably only ever a surprise to you,” Bifur said in his still rough voice. “Rest of us knew long before that.”

The others nodded and agreed with Bifur that they had all known.

“Did Thorin…” Fili looked around at the company. “Thorin couldn’t have known, could he? If he did he never would have kept us apart. Please tell me that Thorin did not know Kili is my One?”

The others shifted and finally, Dwalin sighed. “I know for a fact that he knew something was happening between the two of you when the quest began, lad. After the dragon sickness and then the battle? I just don’t know if he still recalled a lot of the emotional things.”

Fili sighed. It was true that after they healed, Thorin had been a little more distant than usual, though he was quick to make sure Fili knew he was loved and valued once he healed. It was apparent to him that Thorin held some guilt about the way he had acted at Laketown with the brothers and then on the wall of Erebor before he was brought out of the Dragon Sickness he had been afflicted with.

“I want to believe that, Dwalin,” he said finally. “I don’t want to think that Thorin purposefully put me through the pain of believing my One was dead and I was half a dwarf.”

“Even after everything, I do not believe that Thorin would have hurt you like that willfully or willingly, Fili,” Dori said. “Thorin could be an ass, but he would not have condemned you to that kind of pain had he been aware of it still.”

Nori nodded in agreement with his older brother. “Family mattered to him.”

“And yet he abandoned Kili,” Bifur muttered, not willing to forgive or forget that news.

Fili rubbed a hand over his face. Not a one of them could argue that point with Bifur. By not going to Bilbo to help Kili and by not telling anyone that Kili was alive, Thorin had abandoned the youngest of their company. How many times could one man fail a member of his family? Wasn’t leaving him behind in Laketown when he was wounded to save them, and leading him into a battle that they should not have won enough? Had he had to abandon him to confusion and pain with their soft-hearted Hobbit?

Why hadn’t he sent someone to fetch Kili home even if he didn’t think he could have gone himself?

“We’ll leave at first light,” Dwalin decided. “We’ll need that much time to lay in supplies and for me to make sure the guards have their orders in my absence.” He looked around. “We’re going to be away for quite awhile.”

While Fili really didn’t want to wait, he understood why they needed to. It would be a long journey to the Shire, but one he had to make.

“Stonehelm has been serving as your second, right Dwalin?” Fili asked quietly.

“Aye, that he has,” Dwalin said rubbing his chin. “He’s a good and honorable dwarf, someone that we could trust to be in charge of the guard while we’re gone.”

Balin smiled. “If there are any issues we can send out the Ravens to you wherever you are and to the Iron Hills.”

“None will attack Erebor,” Oin said calmly. “It will be safe and Dale is always ready to help us, as well.” He looked at the worried face of his brother and frowned. “And I’m thinking that I will probably serve as more use staying with Balin and Bombur than being on the road. I’m no longer as spry as I used to be. Dori, you should stay with me as your teas are much sought after.”

Dori looked torn as he glanced between his brothers and his King. The Durin line had been some of the people dearest to his heart, and two boys that had needed mothering when they started on the original journey.

“There is no shame in staying to fortify the mountain, Dori,” Fili said, understanding in his voice. “I will return and we will bring Kili back, as well.” 

Ori spoke up, as well. “And you know that Nori and I will not allow anything to happen, either.” 

“Having a fighter and a caregiver like you are can only be helpful in our absence if someone takes ill.”

“Then it is decided,” Bofur spoke. “Fili, Dwalin, Bifur, Gloin, Nori, Ori and I will go to fetch our missing prince and our Hobbit back to Erebor. Balin, Oin, Dori and Bombur will stay here to keep the kingdom running.”

As he heard everyone agree, Fili leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes.

_We’re coming, Kili. And I pray to Mahal you forgive us for taking so long._


	2. Chapter 2

There were far fewer fights and complaints about Fili leaving Erebor with the others than he had expected. Of course, it probably helped that he was backed by the entire Company, his mother, and Bard and his family. The years had caused a deep friendship to develop between Erebor and Dale and even though Bard often said he was feeling his years, Fili didn't doubt he could still be a deadly fighter if the situation called for it.

Before they had set out, Bard had pulled Fili aside to discuss things with him -- King to King. Once they were alone, with Dwalin and Bain guarding the entrance to the alcove they were in, Bard dropped the facade.

"I would ask that you take Bain with you, Fili. I know you have plenty of guards that we all trust beyond anything, but Tilda had one of her dreams last night and she woke up screaming of dwarves and blood and etches of dwarves that had empty places where you and Kili are supposed to be. The only way we could calm her again was for Bain to assure her that he would go with you at Dwalin's side."

Fili couldn't help the worry that crossed his face. he liked and respected Bain, so he had no problem with him joining their quest. His concern was for Tilda. Ever since the battle for the mountain all of those years ago, his friend's youngest daughter had begun to have dreams that were more visions than dreams. They were so realistic and so many came true that she had spent time with Elrond and his daughter to learn to gain control of them and to find peace when they were bad. Even as an adult, Tilda was still someone that they all wanted to protect.

"Is Tilda ok?" He would put aside his desire to reclaim his One if Tilda and her family were in danger of if she had seen something bad coming for Dale and Erebor. For it was now known that if you came against one you would also have to deal with the other.

"She is sleeping and Sigrid and her husband are with her."

Fili nodded. "Of course Bain can come with us. He would always be welcome even if Tilda wasn't dreaming again." He looked towards the entrance of the alcove and side. "Some do not understand."

"It is not for them to understand," Bard said fiercely. "It is for you to do what you must do. You and your Company have explained to me a great deal about Ones and if my wife were alive I am sure it could be said that she had been my One. After all, something inside me has always mourned her and left me feeling less of myself since she was taken from us."

"Many of your people may not understand since it is well known that Kili was also my brother. But Ones..."

"You do not choose who your one is, Fili. You explained that to me and several of the joint council years ago when we realized that your uncle was broken inside and mourning something besides the loss of your brother."

"And if he kept away from Bilbo all of those years and did not tell me about Kili, I can only imagine what kind of pain and horror he was living when no one could see him."

"For all of his flaws and his dark moods at times, he was a good king, Thorin," Bard said quietly. "I know that this is very damn hard for you, but you need to remember he was a good king who did right for your people, and mine. Try not to hate him for too many years."

"I don't hate him, Bard."

"Don't you? I can see it in your eyes that you are feeling betrayed and have no idea how to reconcile the man that ruled here with the man that left your soul bleeding by not telling you that your brother and your One was still alive and that he knew exactly where he was all of this time." Bard's eyes were warm. "I think it is quite a natural reaction to have when you are feeling wounded and betrayed." He lay a gentle hand on Fili's shoulder. "You have not put words to the emotions yet, but they are there in your eyes for one to see if they know you well."

Fili sighed and nodded at his friend. "I just don't understand how he could have kept that from me all of this time. He knew; he knew the pain I was in for believing my One was dead. He went through a close approximation of it by being apart from Bilbo and too damn stubborn to reach out and call him home to his side. Bilbo loved Bag End, but if Thorin had just given him a hint... and he still allowed me to live as if I was half a dwarf and bleeding from a wound that could never heal."

"I don't know why he did it and you know I don't agree with it. In fact, if he were here I would probably plant my fist in his kingly damn nose. But, this is not the time for you to dwell on Thorin and his reasons. You have been given a gift. Your One is alive and you will be reunited with him. From Bilbo's last letter, you have no idea what shape he is in or what he remembers. Your mind should be turned to that and how to best address the changes and how to help him remember who he is -- and who the two of you are together."

Fili knew he was right. He hated that he was right, but he knew he was right. As angry as he was at Thorin, he had to fight to put that to the side for at least a little while. He needed to get to Kili and they could work out everything from there.

He _hoped_ anyway.

The only thing that he knew for sure was that Kili was alive. That was all they knew. No other letters from Thorin had ever been found, but they didn't know if it was because there hadn't been any sent after that one where Bilbo said Kili was now his family or if Thorin had destroyed them so no one else would see his secrets. Secrets that not only wounded Thorin deeply, but wounded his nephew as well.

Fili looked at Bard and gave him a tired smile. "All I can promise is that I will do my best. My focus _is_ on getting to Kili but there is so much pain, anger, and confusion running through my head that's hard to figure out how to pinpoint all of the things that I need to make the most important. I just... I don't know how he could do this to me and I also just want Kili back at my side and in my arms -- if he'll even have me after all of this time."

"Why wouldn't he have you? You're not only his One but his brother as well."

"What if he doesn't feel that way any longer? What if he regained his memory and stayed away because he thought I just left him behind because I didn't care?"

"Fili, the dwarf I saw dying in my home all of those years ago but still looking toward his sun during all of the pain is not someone that would willingly forget you or turn from you. I highly doubt that Kili wouldn't have stormed up to Erebor yelling at the top of his lungs about what he thought of you not coming for him if he remembered you -- and if he didn't think that you were dead."

Fili shook his head. "If he had regained his memory, Bilbo would not have allowed him to believe I was dead, but you are right. If he had regained his health and memory he would have been coming at me with anger and arrows and demanding to know what in Mahal's Halls did I think I was doing staying away from him."

"I'm pretty sure his words would be stronger than that. He did pick up some vernacular that the men of Lakeside used and he probably has been in contact with rangers with Bilbo being such a good friend of the elves."

Fili ran his hand over his face. "Who knows what things he would know and say now."

And didn't that just hurt like hell to even think of? They had been apart for twenty years and Fili had no idea what changes may have overcome the other part of his soul in the time that they had been separated.

"Who knows, but now you know you are able to find out, Fili. Lay the doubts and the anger aside and focus on the good that will happen in a relatively short time. It's been twenty years -- and now within weeks you will be whole."

Fili gave him a smile and nodded. "You speak wisely, my old friend. It's time to move to the future and see if I can meet with my One on common ground again and bring him to the home that has long missed his presence." He looked towards Dwalin and Bain and then looked back at Bard. "My mother..."

"Will be in good hands, I promise." Bard smiled. "Lady Dis has become a very dear friend and I will not allow her to spend all of her time fretting and worrying over both of her boys and their travels to come."

"Thank you, Bard. Be safe and we will send ravens from the road to let everyone know how our progress is going."

"And one when you arrive safely at Bag End?"

"And one when we arrive safely at Bag End."  
  


***

 

Now, Fili turned his head to look at his dearest friends and companions as they road the ponies along the road. They were far better outfitted now then they had been when they had all set out from Bag End to return to Erebor all of those years ago. Now they had plenty of weaponry, armor, food and other supplies. They had a full pack of medical equipment and tonics and such -- almost every kind of cure for any ailment Oin had been able to think that they might run into. They had two well-equipped pack horses because there was no way that they were going to try and carry all of that themselves.

It was somewhat amusing what a _King_ was not allowed to travel without. Thank Mahal that his mother had stepped in and kept too many on the council insisting that he needed to take this or that.

Not that he really paid attention to those people, anyway. They liked to put on a show and act like they had a hand in how things were done in Erebor but most people knew they were nothing but preening showpieces.

The _true_ council to the King of Erebor was made up of the men who had been there to help them take back Erebor. The men who had traveled, fought, and shared blood to bring their people home. No matter what the prissy, preening wanna-be lords thought, they had no hand in how the kingdom was run.

Fili was pulled out of those musings by the sound of another pony falling into step at his side. He didn't need to look to know that it was Bofur who was now at his side. He turned to smile slightly at his friend, seeing that something was obviously on his mind. He waited, not feeling any need to rush his friend as when Bofur got serious like this, there was something weighing heavily on his mind.

"Do you think that he'll welcome us or does he feel the same way about us that he felt about Thorin in that last letter?"

Ah. This was something he had been expecting. It hadn't been easy when Thorin had declared quietly that he knew that Bilbo was his one. It was even harder on Bofur because Bofur had also been convinced that Bilbo was his One. Which could have been possible. Just because someone is your One doesn't mean that you are their One in return.

"I highly doubt that Bilbo carves us all with the same chisel," Fili said calmly. "He knew us all very well and knew we cared deeply for him. He would know that we had no part in the secret Thorin was keeping. You heard it in the letter, Bilbo was very sure that I didn't know that Kili was still alive."

"But will he welcome us on his doorstep or forbid us passage into his home, I wonder?"

Fili twisted in his saddle. "Bofur, Bilbo cared very deeply about you. You were the first one he called a friend, one of the first he would seek out in his times of worry and concern. You were the one who he told all of his concerns and failings to in the goblin cave -- and he felt upset because he had hurt you without meaning to."

"He did not hurt me, not really. I was hurt that he had been made to feel as if he did not belong among us -- after all he had already done to help us. To see how much he believed that he was in the way and did not belong, how Thorin's words had hurt him after the incident on the mountain pass with the rain and the stone giants? It tore at my heart and I hated that I had no idea how to make him realize that some of us _did_ feel he was one of us. He came with us willingly -- left all of his comforts and everything he knew to help us, and Thorin broke his heart that night by belittling him. Fili, he was going to try and find his way _alone_ back to Rivendell that night! Who knows what would have happened to him!"

"But nothing did happen to him -- well nothing deadly. He wasn't trapped by goblins that wanted to kill Thorin and torture Kili --" and here he shuddered at the memory of the Goblin King looking at Kili and saying _Start with the youngest,_. "He didn't end up fighting and in fact, it wasn't until later that we found out that he hadn't had to do any kind of fighting at all while he was separated from us." He gave Bofur a reassuring smile. "Bilbo has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met. There is no way that he will hold Thorin's inactions against the rest of us."

"I hope you're right. I don't think I could handle it if our hobbit looked at me with anger in those beautiful eyes of his."

"Bofur, Bilbo could never look at you of all dwarves with anger." he paused, trying to figure out how to phrase something that he had been curious about for a long time. "Bofur, in all of these years, why didn't you go visit him? He was your friend, as well."

Bofur sighed and it almost seemed like his entire body and his had all drooped at once. "I missed him, that's true enough. But I couldn't get past my worry that he wouldn't be happy with a visit if I was without the dwarf his eyes longer to see more than any other. So I kept telling myself, next warm season, after the snows as it is too dangerous to travel during the white season. But the green growing things would come forth and I had one more excuse as to why I could not get away just yet. And so before I knew it too many years had passed for me to think that I would be welcome."

"You could have gone any time that Bifur or Nori went to visit with him. Then it would not have been so sad and awkward for you as you would have been part of a group of good and merry friends."

Bofur shrugged. "I kept getting in my own way. I let my sadness overwhelm my heart."

"I hear that even the best men do that."

"Aye, that they do. I am wondering though if you are going to be one who lets his sadness and his guilt get in the way of your heart."

Fili shook his head. "No, for even without the sadness, there will always be the guilt that I did not come for him -- even though I had no way of knowing that he was alive. I know it makes no sense to a logical dwarf, but it is hard to see through the tears in my heart to be logical."

"I do not believe that anyone who found themselves in this kind of a situation would be capable of being at all logical. You thought your brother was dead for all of these years. The pain was increased by the fact that your brother was also your one. It would be hard to see things clearly through that veil right now."

"That is probably right. I just... I keep thinking that something within me should have known that he was still alive. Why did that bond fail us so badly?"

"Fili, you were badly wounded and when you were told Kili was dead, you almost died yourself. We don't know how you lived through it, but you did. Maybe you almost dying at the news of his death and him almost dying and forgetting who he was caused the bond to be quiet because so many things had happened that were out of the norm." He looked seriously at him. "No one can explain how the bond of Ones works at all times."


End file.
